Here's what happened:
I woke up so sad one morning for no reason that I started crying, and then for some reason deleted my best friends as well as a whole bunch of others. About two thirds of my contacts in a few minutes... gone.
After about an hour, Zaven, one of the ones I kept, is still talking to me and then tells me that Nighty is very upset...
at that point, I realize my mistake and get Nighty and everyone else back... but Nighty immediately unloads all this hurtful wrath on me.
Me deleting him broke his heart.
I really didn't think it was that big a deal, but, I was oh-so-wrong. It was bigger than I ever could have possibly imagined.
With him now extremely upset, things were never the same. He didn't trust me and he absolutely did not believe me anymore when I said I loved him, even though I actually did, and still do. I still love all three of you.
Jump forward to about a week ago, and after I FINALLY get him to talk after a bit of a silent period, he has now turned from upset, to downright hateful.
My heart broke for the first time when I realized that I really just lost one of my best friends in the whole wide world.
So I run, now upset, to someone who I knew would understand and care, Vico.
The only thing I get from him after sending a lot of pleading messages is:
"Just delete me."
My heart breaks for a second time.
Suddenly this is spreading like wildfire and I just lost another best friend.
So I run to Zaven. I KNOW he's gonna understand. More than Nighty and Vico COMBINED, he has listened to me and been there for me. Zaven is the most logical and understanding of the bunch.
But he's caught the bug too.
However, he is the most rational and understanding... and by the end of the day, he and I have made up and are talking happily.
Forward to the next day and I start struggling with my emotions and run to Zaven for help. He and I made up. We should be good! ^^
So I go to him and get no reply.
I continue for a bit, not even being a bother...
but SUDDENLY Zaven answers with "Go to somebody else," "We can't be contacts anymore."
Heart snaps again... third time.
My entire world is collapsing around me and I'm finally told why.
Nightclaw had showed them a chat log of some terrible things I said to him while I was venting about how I was planning to leave everyone because I didn't feel loved anymore.
The really terrible thing that happened with Zaven is that he drops this bombshell on me the DAY after we made up and had happy conversation!
Absolutely in a panic, raining tears, I try desperately to keep Zaven. I am screaming constantly at him WHY WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! WE WERE DOING SO WELL! WHAT HAPPENED?! PLEASE TELL ME!
And after twenty+ messages of me screaming and pleading, all Zaven says is "I need you to be strong."
Just before he clicks the delete button, he says finally "Please be safe..."
And I respond with "I won't."
And then I beat him to the delete button.
At this point, I don't care if I caused him to panic. Nothing I could have said or done would have been able to hurt him even an infinitesimally small fraction of the amount he was doing to me.
I actually hope I made him panic.
I'll never know.
But now I don't care.
With this final blow to me, I feel that it's time to take action and stop this from spreading any further.
So I wrote a journal explaining things and really just try to defend myself, hoping that maybe they'll see that the information given to them was wrong and that they'll accept me back. But, of course, nothing happens.
Later, Nightclaw comes and asks me to take it down and I did. I did as he wished because, unlike seemingly everyone else, I still cared about other's feelings.
For the rest of the day, I spend all my time trying to see if I can get through to Vico. For some reason, I'm still under the impression that he and I are salvageable.
But after waiting one or two days, for any sign of him, I notice that he's not even watching me anymore.
With the fate of me and my former friends now sealed, I give up and then write my "Broken" journal.
No more words are exchanged any more and here I am today, trying to recover.
I actually had a very good day today, but every night when I calm, I sink back down again, and every morning I wake up and smile until my memory kicks in and I remember everything that happened... all over again.
Every morning, I'm woken up by that punch in the head that makes me hate myself.
Everything is my fault and I'm honestly sorry that I'm still alive.